Circus eL

It's been a more bizarre week than usual in the eircom League Big Top. The disciplinary committee, the suspenders, have met again to impose more of their retribution on the league's errant boys.

They issue a document, which is carefully worded in the Queen's Swahili and consequently transparent to all. They take great care to ensure that the relevant parties are informed, though sometimes they just forget. And this can happen, as those of you with five-year-old children know.

So how can there be any problems? Well I don't know!

Maybe it's our multi racial society; maybe we need to have the document issued in various languages. This could be done on a trial basis to begin with. The be's that power could monitor the reception and perceived understanding, nay, interpretations of the multi lingual documents and broaden their scope should it be deemed successful.

I suggest as a matter of diplomatic urgency that we start with whatever language prevails in Dalymount Park and it's environs - for it is in said establishment that they currently seem to have the greatest language difficulties.

Take for example:

Gareth Farrelly (Manager, Bohemians) fined e1,000 for being in the technical area while under suspension v Bray Wanderers (11.08.06).

But when our hero was informed of his indiscretion did he humbly apologise and take the rap? Have a butchers....

Gareth Farrelly (Manager, Bohemians) fined e250 and severely warned as to his future conduct as a result of being removed from the technical area by the referee v Bray Wanderers (11.08.06).

Talk us through that one Gareth, and while you're at it:

Jason McGuinness (Bohemians) suspended for NEXT competitive match for failing to comply with the terms of a suspension imposed by the Disciplinary Commission at its meeting of Wednesday, 26th July.

The beleaguered central defender can at least claim that 'Gareth said it was alright'. This is a renowned tactic of the woefully unprepared. What does Gareth hear when the lobbyists chant FARRELLY OUT? Is it FARRELLY IN?

The Gypsies commander-in-chief needs a crash course in his spoken tongue now. There'll be no more champagne and crisps on the Farrelly coffee table if he has to keep shelling out his easily earned cash on fines.

Send in the clowns!